Facing the Mountain

Standing at the foot of a mountain is daunting. The incline is steep and treacherous, the rocks posing a possible threat to security and safety. The mass that is in front of me appears so ominous and dark; it feels so terrifying and discouraging- how will I ever overcome this mountain?

Yet looking behind me I see the long journey I have trekked to get to this point and although what lies ahead of me is scary, going back down the same worn and rugged path is depressing as well. I have two ways to go- I can either try to walk around the mountain or I can climb the mountain little by little. 

I am definitely scared that I will fail; that I won't be able to make it up the mountain- that it will kill me trying. The mountain seems so big to tackle, what if I can't make it? The journey will be long and potentially emotionally and physically exhausting. Another fear that grips me is the fear of the top. Getting to the top of the mountain is an exhilarating moment; it's a moment where you can see the accumulation of your dedication and hard work pay off for the epiphany and glory of defeating the beast of a mountain. Yet, what fear that holds me captive is what is on the other side of the mountain? What if I get to the top of this mountain only to find that the mountain just continues, or worse, there is a bigger mountain ahead? The fear of the unknown is sometimes scarier than the fear of the known. 

I've made the decision to climb the mountain, no matter how small the steps may be. As I climb this gigantic black mass in my life, I need to take each step as a victory and a step in the direction towards the top. When I get to the top, I'll deal with the top and what I may see; it may be another scary mountain of darkness or it may be the prettiest sunrise I've ever encountered. Only God knows. 

Can't You or Won't You

"I trust you, I don't trust myself" I said through gritted teeth holding on for dear life as I glanced anxiously at my coaches face. 

I've pushed my body to its breaking point and done things I would've been scared to do three months ago. I've put my body through some of the most physically demanding challenges and come out physically exhausted, bruised, calloused, beaten up and to the point of vomiting, yet I keep coming back for more. However, there are still things I can't do, I can't push myself to do it. 

It wasn't until I was lying there horizontally, about 3 feet off the ground and he was telling me to let go of my arms so I would just hang by my feet that I cracked. He kept telling me what to do and all I could say is "I can't". He squatted down and looked at my in the eyes and said "You can't or you won't?" and I didn't know how to answer. I hung there for a moment and tried to release my hands but every ounce in my being was terrified that I'd fall to the cement floor below me and that'd be the end. "Trust me" he said and that's when I realized I trusted him 100%- I believed what he was telling me was true. He could've said anything to me in that moment and I would've believed him and trusted him; I just didn't have faith in myself, my own body and my own mind. 

The Lord says in Isaiah 40:11 "Do not fear, for I am with you" so why do we fear so much? I realize how much fear has held over my life. Fear of the unknown, fear of the known. Fear of failing miserably, fear of succeeding. Fear of the past but also fear of the future. So much fear and so little living.

Within those few seconds I had to chose to trust myself and have faith that I would not plummet to the cement ground. I let go and guess what, I'm still here today and hanging upside down isn't as terrifying as before. I put incredible faith in other people and even after being burned multiple times I continually put faith in others, yet I have the hardest time putting faith in my own self.  "Fear is an idea-crippling, experience-crushing, success-stalling, inhibitor inflicted only by yourself" Sometimes we are the ones standing in our own way. Trust in the Lord, trust in yourself, because He is always with you.

Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR. 

Speeches and Script

I'm a writer. Give me a pen and I will write until the cows come home. I loved my speech writing class, I could do research and write all sorts of speeches; ask me to actually give a speech and I think my eyes become as large as saucers. So when I was asked, by my internship director, to give a speech in front of a couple hundred scholarship recipients and donors, my mouth went immediately dry and all I could choke out was 'sure'. 

Oh boy, what did I just agree to?

I kept putting off actually writing the speech, not because I didn't want to write it, but because as soon as I wrote it, I'd have to memorize and actually give it. Yikes! She wanted the speech to explain about my experience with scholarships during college, how scholarships changed my education experience, thank donors for their support and encourage students to make the most of their financial support and give back in the future. I finally crafted the speech...two days before I was actually supposed to give it, and then stressed for two days about memorizing it. 

What was supposed to be 300+ people ended up being nearly 500 people tonight at the Scholarship Dinner, a small fact I am very thankful wasn't divulged until after I gave my speech. It's done. Fini. Thank goodness! It went well and although my legs were shaking walking up the stairs to the stage, the warm hugs I got afterwards made the whole thing worth it. That being said, do I want to give another huge speech anytime soon- No. I think I'll stay behind the pen in the future! ha. 

"Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face continually" 1 Chronicles 16:11